When we first started this blog it was to share. To share David’s journey because there was no way to possibly communicate the ups and downs to everyone in an effective way, but a blog.
Then as we wrote, we turned it into the story God wanted us to live. But, we didn’t do it for you, we did it for our kids. We wanted there to be something that would show both Audrey and Parker the way their Daddy lived out his faith during his trials of Cancer. The way he appreciated the gift of life and the legacy he wanted to leave.
After David’s passing I continued the blog, for you. Surprisingly, it grew and grew. I was overwhelmed with the need to please. To live my life the strongest in my faith. To be the best mom for my two kids. To be strong. To be courageous. To be bold. To smile always. And to live……because to me I thought…..that is what faith is.
But, I couldn’t do it anymore. I couldn’t share anymore. And I stopped. I still smiled. I still accepted the compliments of the strength God gave me. But, behind closed doors. I hid. I broke. I cried. I doubted. I questioned. I hid my grief journey from you, but to Christ I cried out.
Through a move and many life changing events in the last 6 months, all of which I believe with all my heart needed to happen to get me to today. ( All God’s planning) I now specifically write for a different group. I write for you who have loss. A mother, a father, a child, a spouse, a friend or a sibling. I write for you. To let you know you are not alone.
So as I embark on David’s second heaven anniversary in just a few weeks. I hope to write more this next year. EEEK…..! Key word- Hope. But, if it means one person in the midst of suffering will know, that someone else gets it……I will write! That through it, as I excitedly accept and seek my new normal. As I am being made new each day……..that you are too!
Parker is my light. There is something about Parker I just can’t figure out. I tell him constantly that one day he is going to tell people about Jesus. Because daily he tells me about Jesus. I wish I could say I read the bible daily with my kids, we memorize scripture and we talk fruits of the spirits all day long…….but we don’t. I barely manage the day to day as they officially out number me and know it! So, every night I go into their rooms and pray while they are sleeping. Only a few words. I pray God speaks to their hearts. I surrender them to God. That he answers their questions that I cannot. And he protects them from evil. Not tragedy. But evil. ( A whole other blog topic)
Through this prayer, I have seen amazing words come from Parker’s mouth. A few…….
Mommy, sometimes I don’t know what to say to you, So God just tells me he loves you.
Mommy, look at the clouds. They are God clouds. He is trying to tell us something.
Mommy, God is wanting me to listen to him. He says be kind. Do you listen to him?
So I challenge you as you grieve. When you feel no one gets it. When you doubt your faith. To listen. To open your eyes to the other’s God is using to speak loud and clear to your heart. Even if it is a spunky 5 year old.
Taking Steps by Faith,