I have a secret, or so I thought I did. I am not the same. I am never going to be back to myself. I am not going to get over it. I am different.
My life as I knew it was together. I was the wife on David’s arm. My kids always dressed to a T. Our house was decorated and not an ounce of disorganization showed. I needed affirmation from others. I was involved in everything and anything. I didn’t miss a night out with friends and I made it to every birthday celebration or trip. Our trips were planned in advance and I could see the year ahead. I had it all together. I had control……….or so I thought.
When you experience death or any loss, you realize just how much you’re not in control.
However, you fight to get that control back. To get back to the “normal”. You even try to control your new normal instead of letting go, accepting it, and leaning into it. So here’s the big secret. When you do. When you finally let go of the need to control the unknown….You will be free from the past. You will be present and you will be hopeful for the future.
I may show up 15 minutes late, not because your time isn’t important to me, but because I honestly couldn’t get there.
I need reminders, lots of them. Not because I don’t care and threw away the other 20, but because I honestly forgot!
I have learned to say no. Please don’t take offense! It is nothing personal. I want to say yes! But, I’m in a stage in my life where my kids may need me more than you do.
If you visit me. I may not have a plan. We may just hang out and do nothing. Because to me…time, quality time, is everything.
I am an open book. I boast in my weaknesses. I have learned in this life, we are all on the same path. I love when I can connect with someone over our rocky steps. It connects us in a way our strengths do not.
My kids. They aren’t going to have the best Valentines Day box or the matching Christmas clothes. Their hair may look a little out of sorts most days. Because, they have lost control too. Their life as they knew it has changed. So, I give them the control and freedom to decorate how they want to. To dress how they feel comfortable, and if Audrey wants the responsibility of doing her hair, I give it to her. (I just add a bow!)
When I make friends now, I don’t plan on adding anything to your life. Because my life is no longer about me, like I once thought. I now look at every friendship I encounter and wait for God to use you in my life. You inspire me. You teach me. Your story is just as important as mine.
I do not sweat the small stuff. Literally.
I am learning to allow my kids to develop into who they want to be. Instead of controlling who I want them to be.
I am learning it is the quality of time with them, not the quantity.
I once searched. Now, I wait. Wait for what God has planned for me. Of course with that wait comes action. But, no more anxiousness. I am still, knowing he is already a few steps ahead of me.
I have no expectations. People will fail me. Life will. But, I hold truth to my savior who never will.
I know when to take time. I know when to cancel a lunch or a coffee, when time with the Lord in reflection is more beneficial to me than disappointing someone.
I am deep. I am still. I look at everything with different eyes now. A different heart. There is something far greater than this world. And I love to see how we are all connected and loved in so many ways.
I look at life not black and white, but as a melting mess of all sorts of colors of paint that miraculously come together to form one beautiful piece of art. Just takes a heart of time, community and faith.
I make David part of my every day life. I talk about him. I still look at pictures and listen to the voicemail he left me a few weeks before he passed. Not because I am not moving on, but because his life was a gift to me. He was a part of it. His story is the beginning of mine.
So, to sum it up, I am different. I am changing. I am transforming. So if you ever think my life is a little upside down. Well, it just may be.
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Taking Steps By Faith,