It is not me that inspires others, but other’s that inspire me. Through this blog many have personally shared their stories with me. It is their story, not mine. They own it, they live it. Sharing it gives us the freedom to walk together, not alone. Sharing it gives us the freedom to move forward not back. Sharing it gives us the ability to connect not disconnect. Sharing it gives us purpose. But, sharing it creates a place of vulnerability. It is uncomfortable. We are embarrassed. We feel alone. And we feel anything but normal. I hope by sharing other’s stories……you see the path you walk is walked by others.
Thank you for taking the moment to read from my dear friend who experienced grief 30 years later after the loss of her father to cancer. Because of the vulnerability she did not feel comfortable sharing her name. I hope you will encourage her with words of support as you read.
To Soon, To Late……. 30 Years Later
Honestly, most of the time it feels like I never knew my Dad. From what I can remember, after my Dad died, my family continued to truck along. Pushing through. Trying to make life as “normal” as possible. In my eyes it felt like my Dad died and that was the end of that…move on to the next chapter in life.
Since I was 5 years old, I have been a constant worrier, felt depressed at times, and questioned reality (is this really my life). For 30 years I have led myself to believe there is something terribly wrong with me. Why do I get so anxious about EVERYTHING and why do I go through periods of depression??? I have a great life. Nothing is wrong with my life, yet everything is wrong with me!!! These feelings come in cycles. (Thank G-d feelings come and go).
Recently, it feels like the anxiety and depression have taken over my life. So, I decided it would be in my best interest to see a therapist. My therapist is the first person to delve deep into my past. And guess what??? This anxiety and depression comes from trauma and grief…..I’M ACTUALLY NOT CRAZY!!!! I have experienced real trauma. I have experienced a loss greater than most children at 5 years old experience. In a sense, saying those words make me feel powerful, but I also feel a sense of guilt…like I’m feeling sorry for myself.
However, I have realized I am not feeling sorry for myself. I am GRIEVING!!! THIS IS GRIEF. I have NEVER fully dealt with the death of my father. Losing my Dad so young stripped away all the security in my world. His loss ingrained a fear deep inside me. A fear that has been in my heart and soul for too long. I’m not going to let this fear run the rest of my life anymore. The fear hurts me too much. I have decided to confront this fear that has been stagnant in my body for so long. By confronting the fear I am grieving. I’m grieving for the loss of my Dad. I’m grieving because he was my sidekick. I’m grieving because he called me his sunshine, and I’m grieving because he loved me unconditionally. I have loved and needed my Dad for so long, I just never knew it until now.
So, the anxiety and depression that has taken over so many times in my life are present because I never grieved the loss of my father. So, 30 years later I GRIEVE. I grieve for the loss of my father.
Taking Steps By Faith,