I struggle. Parenting is the hardest job I ever imagined. I will admit. It was easier. Easier when David was here. I had his input. He was the fun parent, the one with the wisdom. He stepped in when I got frustrated, when I needed a break. He was the one with patience. He loved the bedtime routine. I dread it. He would lay with the kids until they fell asleep, I have a timer set for five minutes. My vision of David. He would come home every evening at 6 p.m. The kids would run to him with the biggest smiles. Hugging him so tight. He would throw them in the air. I would get upset because I worried he would drop them and they all would laugh and he would continue.
Now. Now I walk blind. I wake up every morning praying that God would give me guidance. That he would parent with me. That he would be the one to step in. I convince myself I am not a single parent. That I have God. But, no matter my faith and love…..I still walk downstairs at the end of the day and say…God where are you? I pray over each of the kids after they sleep. Wait….don’t think this is a godly perfect moment. My prayers at night over them are my weakest. I pray that they will not see my failure. I pray that they will not see the stress and despair in my heart. I pray that they will not see how hard all of this is on me. I pray that when they see my tears because I can’t stand being the umpire on one more fight, that they know there is love deep down. I pray that as I walk into a new step of life, as I love again, that they know their daddy will not be forgotten. I pray that through my hardest days, they will see a mommy that needs God.
But, there is one thing I do not pray. I have never prayed for this experience to not happen.
I pray that when they are older they don’t use their daddy passing as an excuse. Instead I pray they use it as gratitude….for who they have become. I pray that they will experience things in their life that will make them weak. Because when they are weak, they will see what makes them strong. I pray that they will see ugly so they know what is beauty. I pray to not shield or protect them, because I have learned since October 26th, I can not. I can only love them. I pray that they see their mommy loved and know the good of moving forward. I pray that they find confidence in not the security of life but what is after life.
I took the kids to see Cinderella the other day. As we left, Audrey asked me why there is someone who dies in every movie? Then Parker asked me why there is always a bad guy? I had the same question! I mean come on! I asked Audrey how the movie ended. She said Cinderella lives happily ever after. I think these movie directors get it! How do we know the happy ending of a movie if we don’t know the sadness it took to get there? How can we enjoy Cinderella marrying the prince …..if her life was a piece of cake? How can we see what sisterly bond and love is…….if we don’t see Elsa freeze the town?:)) You get my point!
The kids and I have a new dance song…….I hope you can listen to this song and enjoy it like we do! That you will look at your life and your hardships and pray for the things that can come from them! I pray you let the good happen and not the bad endure. I pray that you can boost in your weaknesses not your strengths. I pray that you don’t let your life slip away…that you live it….that you take leaps of faith.
I pray that we can all live a life with purpose, faith and hope…..because the ending will be happily ever after.
Taking Steps of Faith,