The last two weeks I have been on the biggest roller coaster of my life and this evening I will set sail for the biggest adventure of my life.
An adventure, that two weeks ago, I doubted would ever happen.
I never claimed to have the answers to grief. I never claimed to be the expert of loss. I simply lived it. I learned there is no grief process from A-Z. Sometimes you might be on M to find yourself the next day back on A. It’s life. It’s a journey, it’s a process. And sometimes you have a couple detours.
I am not strong because I went through this. I am not strong because I continue on. I am strong because the times when I am weak…………….I know there is nothing else to get through or lean on other than my faith.
Two weeks ago, I experienced some of my weakest moments. Dehabilitating, anxiety driven, fear filled panic attacks. Two weeks of them. My first ever with these die like symptoms and mind over matter confusion. I never knew anyone that had experienced these and from the first one to the last one, I felt an abundance of failure and weakness.
I felt I had failed You!
I am humbled by your comments. I am comforted by your words. Whenever there is a compliment of my strength, I ALWAYS try to put the credit where credit is deserved……my faith…..my God. I walk away many times feeling a need to be just as strong for you! But, with the triggers of October 26th approaching, the set sail to Africa only a few weeks away, I feared. I feared remembering what October 26th means to me. It is not a day I grieve a loss. Instead it is a day, I remember watching somebody’s body die. A day I was alone with the one I loved…..set in charge of his peace and his comfort the few hours before he left this earth. It is a day with visions I have chosen not to remember. Chosen to ignore. Chosen to run away from. I try to remember the peace after. I try to remember the God winks. I try to remember the hope.
Seeing your loved ones body die, is something not only none of us should have to go through, but God also did not intend. Even though you know the other side is filled with beauty and peace, the process is one that even Jesus feared. One that God weeps with us, because he knows we do not know what is on the other side.
I am weekly asked by my four-year old. Mommy why didn’t you hold on to daddy when he flew up to Heaven?
Because God’s love was bigger then mine Parker. God’s love and arms surrounded daddy enough that I needed to let him go. Because I could never love daddy enough like God does. And only God could heal daddy.
Through, counseling and a group of people that have created a safe place of vulnerability, I work through this. I try to understand what dying is. I try to not let the fear control me. I dig into the word. I pray. I understand I am strong because of this weakness. I am only weak when I don’t address the pain. When I chose to ignore. But, I am strong when I choose to feel and to experience. To face it. To understand it.
Tonight I fly to London to meet six other amazing women and widows. We then fly to Africa where we will be on an adventure of a life time. DON”T WORRY ABOUT EBOLA where we are going! My purpose? I want to face the fear of taking a trip so far away. I want to face the fear of being vulnerable with my story with six other women. I want to face the fear of going beyond my bubble of a comfort zone. I want to see God’s World. I want to experience life with the widow’s there who have lost their spouses to Aids and Combat. I want to share our faith and hear about their faith. I want to love.
Please pray. Pray that fear and anxieties will not distract me from the purpose of this trip. That they will not blind me from seeing what God want’s me to see. That they will not stop me from experiencing the world around.
I will work hard to post pictures on the Facebook Team Hurst page! So follow if you haven’t already!
Thank you for believing in me, for loving me and for sharing this journey with me. Writing and sharing I have found many who have experienced anxieties and panic attacks and have often been hospitializaed because of them. Know my heart prays for you today. For help, for hope, for resolution. For you to know you are not alone! And there is a God that is bigger and love that is stronger to get you out of the deep trenches into the light of grace.
Taking Steps By Faith,