Words have been my commitment and my walk this past year. As I shared my journey with you in a way that I felt most vulnerable and honest, I used words.
Words have become the new “fad” of New Years. With people looking back at their last year and all they did not do right and choosing a word for the next that would make it right. My word for 2015 came from a moment. Not just any moment but a moment that would define the place I sat as 2014 wrapped up. I sat next to a very special person that God has put in my life. But, most importantly not just in my life, but Audrey and Parker’s life. I sat around the table with some of his closest married friends in a home that was both welcoming and loving. I sat as we toasted to the New Year and couples shared their up’s of marriages and their stories of 2014 together. I sat looking around, marveling at the connection, enjoying the moment, but observing the reality of the situation. I should have sat with a heart of gratefulness.
But instead I sat with fear, doubt and confusion.
How am I here? I am a 34-year-old mother dating? I thought when I married David at 23 that was it. I am not divorced, I am not separated. I was married. But, instead I am a word that represents sorrow, loss and darkness. A word that signifies to many a women in her 80’s….not a young mom of two. A word that now identifies me. WIDOW
Internally I was angry at that word. I was angry that although it does not define me it still is what identifies me.
Although this last year, I have used words of hope, faith, patience and life…..I have not sat with a heart of gratitude. I have been blinded at the amazing things that God has laid right in front of me. I have moved forward and moved forward and still wondering why that word is still following me. No matter how much I move forward it is still there. WIDOW
And so…I took a bold step. I thanked God for the beauty that has come from the tragedy. I thanked God for the change in identity. Because I am changed. I am no longer that girl at 23 getting married right out of college. With not a clue on love, tragedy, loss or faith. I am a WIDOW. I am a mom. I am a person who has loss. I am a person who has walked a journey that I did not see coming in my life….but I am changed because of it.
And because of that journey I now………Love deeper then I have ever before.
I have the privilege of understanding the difference between ” no matter what love” and “falling in love”
I know what marriage means and the importance of standing by someone through sickness and in health
I never take for granted the simplicity of ” Good bye” and ” I love you ” because all our days our numbered
I grieve the loss for Audrey and Parker having a daddy in their life, but hold tight to the gift they still have a mommy.
I have a chance to love again, be married again and to expand my family if in God’s will and if I open my heart to it with a leap of faith and trust
I now walk with opened eyes in a way that is both divine, majestic and beautiful. I see God in all things.
I have developed new relationships in my life and old ones have been strengthened
I value moments
I appreciate life and the gift of it
I laugh more
and I have a faith that was non-existent before. It is real, it is tested, it is deep and it is strong.
In 2015 I start a year of gratitude. Instead of focusing on the how and the why…….I focus on the change. I focus on the thankfulness of being where I am despite the journey that was walked. The prayers and thankfulness are daily. No more I wants, or please God’s.
But instead, I start and end with thank you God.
Taking Steps By Faith,