It’s that time of year again…New Years Resolutions. We continue this tradition because if feels good to give an intent, a purpose or to be prideful and acknowledge the resolutions we kept in the past. Or sometimes we don’t continue the tradition because we see failure of all the past year’s resolutions we didn’t keep, or because we think we already live a life of intent and purpose so why start on Jan 1st? Shouldn’t we be trying to live a life of intent and purpose every day?Then there are those of us that cut out the complexity of the resolution and instead stick with a simple word. We keep it open-ended. A word can give the freedom of taking any direction. Whether you’re hoping to continue the good or change the mess, you take the word and you decide.
We have a room in our house that conveniently has two doors that can close off the room at any time. It is a room full of legos, Barbie dolls, a game of monopoly that has continued for weeks and a couple left over snacks and drinks. It is a mess! I’ve had to set aside every part of my obsessive cleanliness and let it be. Because, when I look at that room…… I see a family that plays together each evening, I see Parker’s creativity as he breaks and builds lego’s and Audrey’s own play therapy as she sets up her Barbie dolls. I see a sense of freedom in the mess!
I look at 2015 as a year that began as a grieving journey. One that I firmly believe and proudly acknowledge will always be a part of me. It does define a part of me. It defines a part of my life. It defines my faith. It takes my mess and makes the important things in my life like Audrey and Parker, and see the beauty that has come from it. It validates the friendships and lives of the people around me who know me through and through and encourage me as I encourage them. 2015 was a year of change. A year of moves and leaps of faith that needed total trust. Although I have no idea the Why of so many things that happened in 2015…. for the first time I have a freedom. A freedom of the pieces being put together around me. The things God is changing. The work he is doing. And it takes the mess to do it.
In 2016 I hope to continue to find the Freedom in the Mess. To understand it is the vulnerability and the mess of all of our lives that makes us beautiful and relatable. That helps us transform. It is finding Freedom in the journey my life takes. It is knowing the Freedom in the purpose and intent for my life being accomplished in the mess. Did I have to experience loss to have the peace I have today? I don’t know. But, I am done trying to understand it. I am ready to just find the Freedom in it all..
This week as I thought about this post, my most transparent little boy began his questions…
“Mommy, did I get to say goodbye to daddy?” You did buddy. You got to give him lots of hugs and cuddles. You got to tell him that he was going to see Jesus soon. You told daddy you loved him. Daddy squeezed your hand to tell you how much he loved you too.
“Mommy, did I get to be at Daddy’s funeral?” Yes, Parker. You walked with mommy down an isle of hundreds of people that came to show their love. You wore some very handsome green converse shoes and a fun tie. You even told Ms. Kristy you saw daddy. But, I think it was the big picture of daddy in the front. You were so brave Parker. You held Mommy’s hand the whole time and helped me ring a bell for daddy. A bell that many people now ring who still have some more life to live and have been encouraged by the life your daddy lived.
Then last night as I was heading out for the evening, Parker said, “Mommy. You know that weeds grow between all flowers. And then sometimes you just need to pull the weeds. But, with the weeds you do notice how beautiful the flowers are. But, they do need pulled out. Or the flower’s won’t grow.” The babysitter for the kids was there at the time. We both looked at each other and had a look of what? Did that really just come from his mouth? Sure did. I think I have my next blogger.
Is my journey a flower? Not so much. But, it is my heart and my words are my story. My freedom? My freedom is my peace. And my walk? Sometimes may be a bit of a transparent jumbled mess. But, it’s the wardrobe God picked out for me. And he is the Almighty designer.
Taking Steps By Faith,