My journey of taking steps of faith isn’t as steady as I thought. I thought it would be one step after the other and then just like that, there I would be, at my final destination.
Not so much……..
My steps have looked a lot like David’s. A little lopsided, slippery and all over the place……..eventually submerging into some cold water only to get myself back up to try it again, determined to make it across.
Having a blog that is titled….”Taking Steps of Faith”, puts the pressure on always moving forward, living life to the fullest and enjoying the gift of life. However, lately, I feel the more steps I take, the more steps I find myself stumbling, falling, and unable to get back up and try it again. Do I go Left, right, up, down God? Instead of a clear direction I’m all over the place. One of the advantages of ” Rosy colored glasses” you try every which direction.
This past weekend we took the step of attending the Singles Parent Family Retreat at Pine Cove. I hesitated from the start to sign up. I reminded myself of the uncomfortable situations God takes us in, only to find our comfort is in him. I thought I could do it. The children and I attended the same place for single parent camp as we once did for family camp with David a few months before his passing. I told myself I could face that same place that held a memory that has started to feel more like history. I felt I was far enough in the grief process that revisiting the places that held the most loving memories would be a piece of cake…….not so much.
From the minute we arrived, to the minute we snuck out ……it was anything but.
Was it the realization that I was attending the same place on a single parent family retreat, where two years earlier I attended as a Leave It to Beaver family of four? Was it feeling nothing in common as a single parent with the other single parents? Widowed vs. Divorce. No better. No worse. Our journeys are just completely different. Was it my 7 year old crying the first night saying this is not the same with out daddy? Who knows…but for someone who is 99 percent comfortable in most situations…..this was one that I couldn’t wait for the sun to rise to decide how to exactly get out of there……
We left…we stopped on the way home, had chocolate chip cookies for breakfast and spent a weekend of quality time together that didn’t focus on our “situation”. To me…….it was the perfect weekend.
Am I running away from reality? Maybe. Did I still take a step? Of course! Did I succeed? Nope! Did I at least try? Yes!
So, I continue the steps into the unknown. And while I journey, I become more awake to the way I feel and the life I have been given. I am reminded that I am not changing God’s course for my life….just trusting him to transform me along the way through the comfortable and the uncomfortable. My steps may look a little slippery. I may stumble over and over again into the cold water. I will sometimes fail to get back up on that course, BUT, we will never know or get to our final destination if we don’t take the uncomfortable risks and at least try…
As they say…….I would rather have a life of ” Oh wells” then ” What if’s” Journey on!
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Taking Steps By Faith,